telegram sam

[11] T. Rex, ‘Metal Guru’

T. Rex

What was No.1 when you were born? And does it say the smallest thing to you about your life? When you found out, presumably many years later, did you warm to the song, did it all make sense? Junior had that godawful Elton meets 2Pac’s corpse mawkfest. Let’s hope she’s never exposed to it again.

We talked about it here, but thankfully any memories were drowned by ‘Metal Guru”s eerie wail and glam vamp, a Wall of Sleazy Sound that seemed to unsettle Junior for a moment. It does disorientate. It’s a technicolour yawn made, er, audio. Although there’s no ‘Get It On’ funky steel to it, its banshee chug just edges out the slinky ‘Children Of The Revolution’ and kooky ‘Telegram Sam’ in the sprint for best T. Rex single of the year.

But I’m biased.

[8] Girls Aloud, ‘Long Hot Summer’

They have power, astonishing power no doubt, but not even Girls Aloud can change the season. Junior and I ignore the Christmas tree for three or four minutes and put some effort into imagining it’s a July morning and we’re shaking like cool lemonades. She gets better results than me, because she’s not sitting there tackling the existential question of how on earth one can shake like a cool lemonade. Is it the bubbles? Or is it the movement of the liquid when the ice cubes are dropped in? Perhaps the lemonade shakes because Nadine, Kimberley et al are holding it while they sashay around the CD:UK stage? Like “I was 21 years when I wrote this song, I’m 22 now but I won’t be for long”, this latter theory would beg the question of how the performance came before the lyric.

We’re getting bogged down. Junior likes the song, and how could she not? It has at least two different bridges, a half-rapped middle eight and an unexpected ad lib at the end instead of a thoughtless repeat of the chorus. And it has “ba ba ba”s, making it a contender for First Song That Junior Will Actually Sing Along With.

It has competition from ‘Hey Jude’, ‘Telegram Sam’ and the Pearl & Dean theme.