[4] The Go! Team, ‘Bottle Rocket’

Tinny and raucous, with what sounds like the Cookie Crew rapping unintelligibly in the eye of the storm, this is a peach of a tune. Needs to be played loud, but it’s a bit early in the morning so Junior’s mum suggests that we keep the volume down to maintain the moral high ground over the people downstairs. When she goes out to move the car, Junior and I whack it up again.

I think this was first released in 2004, and the album certainly was, but the single was re-released at the end of this summer and therefore passes the test. Junior’s up for a bit of flying again – it’s that sort of song – and fortunately it’s before breakfast so we don’t risk spillage. I’m sure she even attempts to sing along with the “2,4,6,8,10”s, which are pretty irresistible. It’s all pretty irresistible. I could hug this record.

As for the title, I only hope it’s not a witty answer to “What’s that in your pocket?”. Or is that just me?

[5] Annie, ‘Heartbeat’

Annie from Norway was the first artist Junior saw live. The second was Saint Etienne, about half an hour later. Junior was minus three weeks old at the time but, with poetic licence, I can imagine that she was watching through her mum’s bellybutton. I’ve never asked her what she thought of Annie. I thought she was rubbish. You could barely hear the vocals and she spent her whole set standing at the back of the stage with the bloke who was making all the music come out of his computer.

On record Annie makes sense. Her voice is still wafer-thin but every song is an icy pop gem, with all those keyboard pulses, strokes and effects and crisp percussion, and that Scandinavian ear for a hook. She sounds flimsy in the old Camden Palais; in the living room she shimmers like the Christmas tree.

The fifth best single of the year, ‘Heartbeat’ sees Junior flying around the room, laughing, dribbling in her dad’s eye. No, I’m not crying at Annie’s tender memories of a fleeting love. I’ve got dribble in my eye.

Paul McCartney, ‘Wonderful Christmastime’

I won’t give it its full title, as suggested by one esteemed reader. This record is what Christmas is all about for me. Not because of any great quality, or special essence, but because it was a hit when I was four years old at about that time you understand what Christmas means. Loads of presents. Ever since, those synthesised squelches have been tied up in the whole shebang for me.

Junior is again more interested in the vinyl going around on the turntable. We let her put her hand on it, for a photo op, and she manages to slow it down, speed it up and stop it completely. She thinks this is pretty smart. And hey, it’s a decent remix.

The video was on TMF (or something like that) the other day. What a lady mullet Linda had. A little hedgehog bit on the top, with the rest long and lifeless. You just know that the Levellers were taking notes that day. There are some staggeringly cheap graphics, some forced “let’s stage the show right here” false spontaneity and that pervading air of McCartney bonhomie. See? It’s what the festive season is all about.

Wizzard, ‘I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day’

We’re not the sort to embrace cliché here at Jukebox Junior, as everyone knows, and we don’t try to act out the words as if we were on Dave Lee Travis’ Golden Oldie Picture Show. That said, this song “put a great big smile on somebody’s face” at the very moment it promised. I hadn’t even moved away from the stereo, let alone launched into a fittingly silly dance.

Mind you, Junior often saves her biggest beams for the very start of each record, when I’m still standing at the decks. It might not just be about the music. She could be saying, “Ha. Dad, you really reckon you look like a Superstar DJ there, don’t you?”. She may well mock, but, yeah, she may well mock.

To give Roy and Wizzard their due, the whole song goes by in a whirl of limb-kicking, smiles and squeals. And when her dad unveils his falsetto to sing along with the children’s choir at the end, Junior can scarcely contain her joy.

Unless she’s just mocking me again.

[6] Sugababes, ‘Push The Button’

It sounds like a million other songs, I’m certain, but I can’t place a single one. The Christmas party hangover can’t help here, although I think the infectiousness of the song dismisses most comparisons. And I wouldn’t want to devalue it in any way, lest I incur the wrath of Mutya. You wouldn’t mess. No wonder the addressee in the lyric is a touch nervous about making a move. 

Junior gives it a muted reaction, perhaps because she sees enough music TV to get Sugababes fatigue. She’s no longer prudish about seeing once-sensible young misses writhing about in their smalls in lifts. It’s a shame to become so jaded at such a tender age.

Keisha, Heidi and Princess Mutya find this pop lark a breeze. Cracking singles are turned out every year, and they maintain some sort of “cred” with as little effort. Bravo. And even if the tune itself doesn’t float your boat, they’ll reel us all in with “my sexy ass has got him in the new dimension”. It means nothing, sounds great, and it’s a sweet line for mum and dad to sing to their baby daughter. Right?

Right.

Wham!, ‘Last Christmas’

“Why get to work at 9.30 when you can get there at 10.30?” Dumbfounding myself with this unshakeable logic, I realised it was time for another Christmas tune.

So, I’ve spent 20-odd years thinking it’s “hiding from you and you’re so revised” and now it turns out be “your soul of ice”. Ok, I haven’t spent the entire 20 years thinking it – that would be frivolous – but I have wondered how she/he could be “so revised”. It’s still worth considering, because it’s a better lyric than “soul of ice”.

George knew how to write a tune, though. Well, Barry Manilow did, in this case. Junior loves it. She’s smiling to the point of laughter, and her arms and legs are swinging all over the place, in the manner of Pepsi and Shirlie trying to ski* in the video. Her mum had her office Christmas party last night, so she’s less than festive, but she seems keen to indoctrinate Junior into the ways of the Wham!, making it a hit all round.

*They may have just sat by the fire for the whole song, but I’m projecting. I know that the edit that goes to MTV is just a snapshot of the artist’s life at that point. I’m still wondering how Take That are managing to reform after being pushed off that cliff.

[7] Ciara featuring Petey Pablo, ‘Goodies’

Obviously a 20Sixer, Ciara’s “goodies” are actually sweeties. She’s pretty mean with them, they “stay in the jar”. Petey Pablo tries to bring the tone of the song down with a somewhat lewd rap, but he’s not going to get any sweeties while bragging about having a “sick reputation for handlin’ broads”. They’re “not just for any of the many men that’s tryna get on top”. So there.

Junior glosses over the lyrics. She’s too busy wriggling around to the music, which sounds like Cypress Hill in Star Trek. It seems to have a static energy, causing the hair around her crown to stand straight up. Could be an early parody of her dad. Her dad who’s trying to sing like Ciara again, so let’s hope she doesn’t remember this.

Number seven’s an odd position on the chart, isn’t it? It doesn’t come with the fanfare of the beginning of the Top 10, and it’s not quite on the cusp of the big five. The big-hitters start tomorrow. Will there be even more Ciara? Junior wouldn’t mind. Dunno about the rest of you.

The Pretenders, ‘2000 Miles’

He’s gone. He’ll be back at Christmas time, according to the children. Is Chrissie Hynde singing about Frosty the Snowman? Diamonds in the snow sparkle. These could be the coals he had for eyes. Not sure about the 2000 miles – seems a little far to run down to the traffic cop, but I’m sure he covered that kind of distance with the boy who wasn’t Aled Jones.

We’re back once more with the happy/sad side of Christmas. Junior adopts an appropriately serious expression and spends the entire 3 mins 40 secs watching the flat black vinyl circle going around and around on the turntable, without looking away once.

Is that a record?

Yes.

[8] Girls Aloud, ‘Long Hot Summer’

They have power, astonishing power no doubt, but not even Girls Aloud can change the season. Junior and I ignore the Christmas tree for three or four minutes and put some effort into imagining it’s a July morning and we’re shaking like cool lemonades. She gets better results than me, because she’s not sitting there tackling the existential question of how on earth one can shake like a cool lemonade. Is it the bubbles? Or is it the movement of the liquid when the ice cubes are dropped in? Perhaps the lemonade shakes because Nadine, Kimberley et al are holding it while they sashay around the CD:UK stage? Like “I was 21 years when I wrote this song, I’m 22 now but I won’t be for long”, this latter theory would beg the question of how the performance came before the lyric.

We’re getting bogged down. Junior likes the song, and how could she not? It has at least two different bridges, a half-rapped middle eight and an unexpected ad lib at the end instead of a thoughtless repeat of the chorus. And it has “ba ba ba”s, making it a contender for First Song That Junior Will Actually Sing Along With.

It has competition from ‘Hey Jude’, ‘Telegram Sam’ and the Pearl & Dean theme.

[9] Madonna, ‘Hung Up’

Her mum has played this many times, so Junior knows what to expect and she’s not precious about her ABBA samples. It has that gimmick where they fade out the treble and bring it back again, as if you’re leaving the party and coming back, and I can’t remember what the effect’s called. Daft Punk like it, and Kylie did it too because Daft Punk like it. It also has a ticking clock, like Gwen Stefani’s “tick tock”s and Kylie’s tick-tocking to ‘Can’t Get You Out Of My Head’. Madonna is a magpie. No revelation there. 

Still, it’s a satisfying melting pot. 

Father and daughter exchange grimaces as we recall the contortionist leotard poses thrown in the video. Yes, yes, she looks good for 47 but, well, no. Considering her advanced years, though, the music’s more vital than much of the limp fare put out by pop stars half, maybe a third of her age. Mentioning no names. At this rate, they’ll get an advert at the head of the page. 

So, ‘Hung Up’. It’s an object lesson in turn-of-the-millennium disco pop house chicanery, that’ll do for Junior until Daft Punk is playing at her house.