[8] Hanson, Mmmbop’

I think it was The Face that described Hanson’s cherubic looks as “Kate Moss crossed with Kurt Cobain, Kate Moss crossed with Little Jimmy Osmond and Kate Moss crossed with Desert Orchid”. The big bruv did always look as if he’d be happier leaping the fence and getting away, but what would he do? The middle lad was the talent. It was like Jermaine and Michael, without the raging madness – as far as I’m aware.

‘Mmmbop’ has some of the starburst thrill of ‘I Want You Back’, but where the Jackson 5’s debut hit united the people, this just annoyed the arse off them. Precocity, you love it or hate it, it depends who’s delivering it. Plenty bought this – it was a No.1, for pity’s sake – and they can’t all have been kids. Um, there was me for a start.

Well, it’s a true pop moment, with zip and scratching, and some classic, poorly enunciated lines. It’s all about friendships that last and friendships that disappear in the blink of an eye. I think. Who cares? Junior saw its value as a ‘dance with your dad’ floorburner, her experience enhanced by not having to see their Moss hybrid chops.

[17] INXS, ‘Need You Tonight’

Taking INXS’ Kick into school in the fifth form brought some unexpected kudos, but they were never really loved, were they? There were enormous global sales, unprecedented female attention for Michael Hutchence and a funky bar room sound that could appeal to the boys, yet still no one would ever say that they were their favourite band.

So when Hutchence knuckle-shuffled off this mortal coil, the posthumous Number Ones didn’t ensue. There were no voices raised in grief, wailing “First Kurt, then Diana, now Michael – when will the killing end?” and no fountains commissioned. No, we became voyeurs, and took cheap shots at the names of Paula Yates’ children.

‘Need You Tonight’ has retained its groove. Junior, in fact, is in raptures as it kicks off and Dad discovers he can do a passable Kanye Gold Digger dance to it. It’s a sexy record, I suppose, of the sort that INXS could pull off every album or so, but it’s ultimately unsatisfying. It peters out, and loses its gist through false endings. Even its real ending seems false. You can almost sense the ghost of Bruno Brookes wondering when to cut in.