[3] Junior Boys, ‘Banana Ripple’

Junior Boys

Now I love a nine-minute record that doesn’t waste a second as much as the next man, so no doubt we’re all delighted to see this has placed so high. My wife says it’s very me, by which I’m sure she means it’s funky, addictive and a joy to have around the house rather than over-polite, unsexy and called Jeremy.

Jeremy Greenspan isn’t a very rock’n’roll name, is it? Further evidence from Junior: “I don’t like the singing. It’s not rock’n’roll like ‘Firework’.” Well, nothing’s as rawk as Katy Perry. Not even P!nk. Junior’s in the mood to examine this record, dismissing a banana ripple for more foodstuff-based suggestions: “What about one potato, two potato? You rip the skin off them too.” There’s, um, food for thought for Junior Boys’ fifth album.

In the end I catch her doing a strutting hip dance – moving like Jagger once more – in secret. That’s Junior Boys really, dance music to be enjoyed in private.

[17] Maroon 5 featuring Christina Aguilera, ‘Moves Like Jagger’

Now this one’s all about ESP. Junior has her own special routine for this, a kind of backwards chicken dance that involves swinging her elbows behind her then bringing them forward in a clap. It’s either that gauche chap in the opening credits to The Young Doctors or it’s uncannily Jagger, and she’s not even seen the video. I can only assume it’s some freaky spiritual dancing osmosis from learning ballet at Dartford Grammar School’s Mick Jagger Centre. Seems plausible.

They’re a bit plain, aren’t they, Maroon 5? Adam Levine’s an ultra-buff Mick Hucknall leading an anonymous Simply Reddish collection of assured nobodies, turning out sleek germ-free pop-soul you can admire but never love. Um, except Simply Red are light years better, but the cold-eyed professionalism’s there anyway. I do like this one though, obviously; it’s so… so… VIP area. Slinking about behind a velvet rope while Christina glows like an amazing neon Stevie Nicks.