music

[3] Girls Aloud, ‘Biology’

“The way that we TALK, the way that we WALK”. Junior finds this frustrating. Are they teasing her? She’s still laughing at me standing by the stereo, but it’s a CD so I’m not even trying to be the superfly DJ. Those new-fangled CD decks are just cheating anyway. You don’t get the chance to hit the stylus arm by mistake, and you never need to balance a 20p coin anywhere to stop it jumping.

I could be the muso about this song’s unusual structure. Girls Aloud and Xenomania eschew your standard verse-chorus arrangement to fling in a load of highs and “can you see the join?” splicing. It shows ambition that a lot of modern pop lazily avoids, whether you like the record or not, and it’s a gamble. They don’t get the Number Ones you might expect, and perhaps they don’t appeal to “the kids” as much as they do to the pop scholars.

Pop scholars: Paul Morley, Paul Gambaccini, writers at Stylus and Pitchfork, the NME to satisfy the occasional whim, and hey, me. And Junior. Will she be defending this sort of stuff when all her friends are into the 2018 equivalents of Sum 41, the Kaiser Chiefs, the Killers and 50 Cent? Don’t fail me now.

Jona Lewie, ‘Stop The Cavalry’

Pomp-a-pomp-a-pomp and dub-a-dub-a-dum. That’s always going to work for a five-month-old. You can do the “riding on a camel in the deeeeee-sert” to it, and generally bounce up and down. Of course, with all that frolicking, you could miss the serious message in Jona Lewie’s song. Like everyone else. 

It’s just a Christmas song now. In fact, I think it was released as a Christmas record, but I don’t suppose it was written that way, unless Jona had some mad premonition of how many compilations it was going to appear on and how he wouldn’t have to lift a finger again. On the other hand, by marrying an anti-war message to a Christmas lyric, Jona is a forerunner in a rich tradition. If not for him, we might not have ‘The Pipes Of Peace’ and ‘Altogether Now’. Harrowing thought.

Thumbs up from Junior, then. For the rest of this week’s festive records, I’m toying with doing all three versions of ‘Do They Know It’s Christmas?’. Who’s going to stop me?

[4] The Go! Team, ‘Bottle Rocket’

Tinny and raucous, with what sounds like the Cookie Crew rapping unintelligibly in the eye of the storm, this is a peach of a tune. Needs to be played loud, but it’s a bit early in the morning so Junior’s mum suggests that we keep the volume down to maintain the moral high ground over the people downstairs. When she goes out to move the car, Junior and I whack it up again.

I think this was first released in 2004, and the album certainly was, but the single was re-released at the end of this summer and therefore passes the test. Junior’s up for a bit of flying again – it’s that sort of song – and fortunately it’s before breakfast so we don’t risk spillage. I’m sure she even attempts to sing along with the “2,4,6,8,10”s, which are pretty irresistible. It’s all pretty irresistible. I could hug this record.

As for the title, I only hope it’s not a witty answer to “What’s that in your pocket?”. Or is that just me?

[5] Annie, ‘Heartbeat’

Annie from Norway was the first artist Junior saw live. The second was Saint Etienne, about half an hour later. Junior was minus three weeks old at the time but, with poetic licence, I can imagine that she was watching through her mum’s bellybutton. I’ve never asked her what she thought of Annie. I thought she was rubbish. You could barely hear the vocals and she spent her whole set standing at the back of the stage with the bloke who was making all the music come out of his computer.

On record Annie makes sense. Her voice is still wafer-thin but every song is an icy pop gem, with all those keyboard pulses, strokes and effects and crisp percussion, and that Scandinavian ear for a hook. She sounds flimsy in the old Camden Palais; in the living room she shimmers like the Christmas tree.

The fifth best single of the year, ‘Heartbeat’ sees Junior flying around the room, laughing, dribbling in her dad’s eye. No, I’m not crying at Annie’s tender memories of a fleeting love. I’ve got dribble in my eye.

Paul McCartney, ‘Wonderful Christmastime’

I won’t give it its full title, as suggested by one esteemed reader. This record is what Christmas is all about for me. Not because of any great quality, or special essence, but because it was a hit when I was four years old at about that time you understand what Christmas means. Loads of presents. Ever since, those synthesised squelches have been tied up in the whole shebang for me.

Junior is again more interested in the vinyl going around on the turntable. We let her put her hand on it, for a photo op, and she manages to slow it down, speed it up and stop it completely. She thinks this is pretty smart. And hey, it’s a decent remix.

The video was on TMF (or something like that) the other day. What a lady mullet Linda had. A little hedgehog bit on the top, with the rest long and lifeless. You just know that the Levellers were taking notes that day. There are some staggeringly cheap graphics, some forced “let’s stage the show right here” false spontaneity and that pervading air of McCartney bonhomie. See? It’s what the festive season is all about.

Wizzard, ‘I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day’

We’re not the sort to embrace cliché here at Jukebox Junior, as everyone knows, and we don’t try to act out the words as if we were on Dave Lee Travis’ Golden Oldie Picture Show. That said, this song “put a great big smile on somebody’s face” at the very moment it promised. I hadn’t even moved away from the stereo, let alone launched into a fittingly silly dance.

Mind you, Junior often saves her biggest beams for the very start of each record, when I’m still standing at the decks. It might not just be about the music. She could be saying, “Ha. Dad, you really reckon you look like a Superstar DJ there, don’t you?”. She may well mock, but, yeah, she may well mock.

To give Roy and Wizzard their due, the whole song goes by in a whirl of limb-kicking, smiles and squeals. And when her dad unveils his falsetto to sing along with the children’s choir at the end, Junior can scarcely contain her joy.

Unless she’s just mocking me again.

[6] Sugababes, ‘Push The Button’

It sounds like a million other songs, I’m certain, but I can’t place a single one. The Christmas party hangover can’t help here, although I think the infectiousness of the song dismisses most comparisons. And I wouldn’t want to devalue it in any way, lest I incur the wrath of Mutya. You wouldn’t mess. No wonder the addressee in the lyric is a touch nervous about making a move. 

Junior gives it a muted reaction, perhaps because she sees enough music TV to get Sugababes fatigue. She’s no longer prudish about seeing once-sensible young misses writhing about in their smalls in lifts. It’s a shame to become so jaded at such a tender age.

Keisha, Heidi and Princess Mutya find this pop lark a breeze. Cracking singles are turned out every year, and they maintain some sort of “cred” with as little effort. Bravo. And even if the tune itself doesn’t float your boat, they’ll reel us all in with “my sexy ass has got him in the new dimension”. It means nothing, sounds great, and it’s a sweet line for mum and dad to sing to their baby daughter. Right?

Right.

Wham!, ‘Last Christmas’

“Why get to work at 9.30 when you can get there at 10.30?” Dumbfounding myself with this unshakeable logic, I realised it was time for another Christmas tune.

So, I’ve spent 20-odd years thinking it’s “hiding from you and you’re so revised” and now it turns out be “your soul of ice”. Ok, I haven’t spent the entire 20 years thinking it – that would be frivolous – but I have wondered how she/he could be “so revised”. It’s still worth considering, because it’s a better lyric than “soul of ice”.

George knew how to write a tune, though. Well, Barry Manilow did, in this case. Junior loves it. She’s smiling to the point of laughter, and her arms and legs are swinging all over the place, in the manner of Pepsi and Shirlie trying to ski* in the video. Her mum had her office Christmas party last night, so she’s less than festive, but she seems keen to indoctrinate Junior into the ways of the Wham!, making it a hit all round.

*They may have just sat by the fire for the whole song, but I’m projecting. I know that the edit that goes to MTV is just a snapshot of the artist’s life at that point. I’m still wondering how Take That are managing to reform after being pushed off that cliff.

[7] Ciara featuring Petey Pablo, ‘Goodies’

Obviously a 20Sixer, Ciara’s “goodies” are actually sweeties. She’s pretty mean with them, they “stay in the jar”. Petey Pablo tries to bring the tone of the song down with a somewhat lewd rap, but he’s not going to get any sweeties while bragging about having a “sick reputation for handlin’ broads”. They’re “not just for any of the many men that’s tryna get on top”. So there.

Junior glosses over the lyrics. She’s too busy wriggling around to the music, which sounds like Cypress Hill in Star Trek. It seems to have a static energy, causing the hair around her crown to stand straight up. Could be an early parody of her dad. Her dad who’s trying to sing like Ciara again, so let’s hope she doesn’t remember this.

Number seven’s an odd position on the chart, isn’t it? It doesn’t come with the fanfare of the beginning of the Top 10, and it’s not quite on the cusp of the big five. The big-hitters start tomorrow. Will there be even more Ciara? Junior wouldn’t mind. Dunno about the rest of you.

The Pretenders, ‘2000 Miles’

He’s gone. He’ll be back at Christmas time, according to the children. Is Chrissie Hynde singing about Frosty the Snowman? Diamonds in the snow sparkle. These could be the coals he had for eyes. Not sure about the 2000 miles – seems a little far to run down to the traffic cop, but I’m sure he covered that kind of distance with the boy who wasn’t Aled Jones.

We’re back once more with the happy/sad side of Christmas. Junior adopts an appropriately serious expression and spends the entire 3 mins 40 secs watching the flat black vinyl circle going around and around on the turntable, without looking away once.

Is that a record?

Yes.