2014

[15] David Bowie, ”Tis A Pity She Was A Whore’

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Well, it appears that Bowie put out a feeler last year, a sonic reconnaissance mission to check whether anyone still gave a flying. The Next Day’s a splendid, vital (for a guy in his late 60s, come on) piece of work on its own terms – and most others – but bravura experimental Dave wasn’t really coming out to play. We had muscular, occasionally a bit damaged Dave. And he’s a good guy.

This year he’s not doing an album, just plumping up a new best of, and he’s doing that with more gnarly excursions this time around. ‘Sue (Or In A Season Of Crime)’ was avant-jazz Dave, the kind of thing you find yourself protesting “but I really do like it! I’m not just saying it” about. (I really do like it! I’m not just saying it.) But ”Tis A Pity She Was A Whore’ is a nagging, hurtling, panicked, hovering thrill that – let’s face it – could’ve turned up on an album by our old pals TV On The Radio. They’ve got a mutual love-in thing going on anyway, and that’s fine with me because I’d like to be slap-bang in the middle of that sandwich. Figuratively. Sometimes not so figuratively.

So, I’m happy here. The Juniors? Absolutely not. “It wasn’t really loud or one of those rocky ones,” says Junior, as if that’s a good thing, “but it wasn’t that interesting.” Her younger sisters are even harder on it. “It hasn’t got much talking and it’s very boring,” points out Junior 2. “It’s a zero.” I think Bowie would quite like being called “a zero”. Junior 3 is more succinct: “I do not like it so thumbs-down.” He might not be so happy about that, but of course all reactions to art are equally valid.

[16] TV On The Radio, ‘Careful You’

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How Brooklyn math-rock scuzz-punks TV On The Radio have smartened up their act. New album Seeds is clean, sharp and somewhat sentimental – but no worse than Desperate Youth or Return To Cookie Mountain. The signs have been there since Dear Science – where beats became more sequenced, edges were rasped away – but even when they’re metronomic, TVOTR land a punch. Particularly live, as I’ll find out again next February.

Junior 2 wants to come along as well, but her plan is to sneak into the boot of the car and spy from a distance. She says the stately, pitching and rising ‘Careful You’ is “a thumbs up from me, and it’s a 10.” Junior herself points out it’s “between middle and good,” which I guess is the kind of thing that gets you to No.16 on a good week, if not for the entire year. Eventually it grows, which is why it’s here.

[17] Ariana Grande feat. Iggy Azalea, ‘Problem’

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The most alarming thing about this is Junior 2 knows all of Iggy Azalea’s rap. Second most alarming thing is that this is Iggy’s second appearance on our chart, and Junior knows this, pointing out that she’s “rapping in that other song”. I suppose when you butcher your vowels quite like that, you’re pretty unmistakable.

For the girls, Ariana Grande is fairly anonymous – and however great her voice is, however good she looks, however ubiquitous on our screens (telly or otherwise) she is, that’s Grande all the way. Star quality isn’t everyone saying you’re a star. Still, ‘Problem’ has balls and what we’re obliged to call ‘sass’. Because it has horns, basically. Funky sass. Free your mind and your sass will follow.

[19] Iggy Azalea feat. Charli XCX, ‘Fancy’

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I’ve got a bit of a love/hate relationship with this one. Clearly it’s as irritating as a mohair codpiece but, more beneficially, it slams you up against the wall with the full force of its stark bullishness. Iggy crunks, jerks, drawls and brags while Charli XCX comes up with another undeniable nursery rhyme chorus, and we all go home a little shaken.

The girls over here are trying to place who it is. “Katy Perry,” says the four-year-old. “Is the rap will.i.am?” asks Junior. I’ve no idea what’s going on there. “Oh, she says Iggy in that other song,” she adds. Anyway, they all agree it’s “good” and perfectly fine for a dad to have it on his iPod. I mean, I wasn’t worried about that but you know how snobbish these kids get.