[18] Uffie featuring Pharrell, ‘ADD SUV’

Uffie

I don’t know if the joke’s on them or us or the sucker MCs, but this makes me laugh anyway. Pharrell, with half an eye on Uffie’s “ghetto ass”, is like Roadrunner at a Haribo party, bouncing off the sonic walls and generally making a hepped-up berk of himself – “Wait a minute, what I say I gotta do again?” Of course this is meant to be a dig at ADD bling merchants, and we can all get behind that, but… but… It’s gone.

Uffie should be a hit around here, but Junior just shrugs and says, “My LeapPad’s running out.” Perhaps her attention’s slightly deficit too. Uffie should be a hit around everywhere, because she has a great care-less voice, a team of cracking French zonk-disco cohorts (Feadz, Mirwais, Mr Oizo etc), a few tunes, the looks and the looks-cool. But she took four years to make an album and along came Ke$ha to do it more obviously.

[44] Madonna, ‘Music’

Right back on track after Ray Of Light, Madonna shed the pretend hippie skin once more and sunk her teeth into the dancefloor like never before since Vogue. A squirty disco match-up with Mirwais, Music jacks your body. It still sounds as fresh as Michelle Gayle in Grange Hill. Or was she Fly?

Junior says: “Her skin looks lovely,” on the cover, that is. And, “Play it again.”

Best bit: Space Odyssey synths.

[10] Madonna, ‘What It Feels Like For A Girl’

In which musclebound Madge tries to convince us that she’s really a sensitive little flower at Kabbalah-coddled heart, all to a sympathetic and warmly electronic soundtrack from Mark “Spike” Stent and not the marvellous Mirwais who wove such wonder into the rest of the Music album. The girl speaking at the start is Charlotte Gainsbourg (in the film adaptation of Ian McEwan’s The Cement Garden), who went on to trump anything Madonna’s done this century with her own 5.55 album in 2006. She’s been too quiet since.

Unlikely as it seems, Madonna drives home the little-girl-lost shot with some distinction. Junior sulked because she wasn’t allowed to put the CD in the brand new stereo herself, and simply sat on her little chair, swinging her legs, no doubt wondering whether Dad would ever understand.